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Thursday, April 03, 2003

Roasting John V.
by Stefan Martin, 3/31/2003

Last week John Leipold came to me and said that Bill Stoltz was going to have a dinner at which John V was going to be roasted. Now, you know that I'm always interested in trying to save the company money, so right away I went to Leipold and reminded him, "you know, he IS self-basting... AND he has that cute little button that pops up when he's done." And Leipold said, "Oh so THAT'S what that is." And I said, "No, No, No....," and it only took me a couple of hours to get him to understand. But after all that effort, Bill and Leipold insisted, saying that they wanted a slow roasting this time, so here I am....

I remember when the first rumors of John V's hiring were circulating around Lundy, this new hot-shot manager, former Navy, service in Antarctica... so when Randy Powley and I heard that he was on site we went looking for him, and we were wondering how we would know the guy when we saw him, but it turned out it really wasn't very hard.... He was in colo 8, standing on top of a stack of servers. Now, I realize it could have been anybody standing there, waving his arms and sounding like the guy in the Long John Silvers commercials, "Avast, me hearties," things like that. But I think the thing that really gave it away was the big three cornered hat and the gold epaulets on the shoulders of his magnificent polyester admiral's uniform, and of course the four-foot-long saber, that helped a great deal in distinguishing him. I thought to myself, wow, a four foot sword! This guy really must have something to prove....

Now don't get me wrong, the sword, which I have to emphasize he keeps in excellent condition (he has a grinder mounted on the corner of his desk) comes in very handy. Just the other day we had that wonderful cajun meal in the Lundy dungeon, and John V of course was in VA, and of course they wouldn't let him take the sword on the plane... and we didn't have any knives... and so that sword came in really handy... cause there were these people who were taking too much of the crawfish etouffe... and let's just say that those folks won't be keyboarding any time soon....

And you know, that sword really makes suspensions a breeze. You just go tell John V that a customer is not paying and just point him in the general direction of their server, and more often than not, that customer will go right down. Now there is the issue of collateral damage, but I figure, hey, we accidentally take paying customers down too, they'll let us know. And besides, it lets them know who's boss.

I have to think that that Antarctic tour of duty really had an influence on him, because as soon as he took command, the temperature inside the data center took a precipitous drop. I mean, I have to come in now in the morning and you know, these DCEs who work overnight....things get a little slow and they get sleepy....and sometimes they just pitch right over face down on their desks, and in a matter of minutes, they're just stuck there! So I've taken to bringing in my heat gun and a spatula just so they can break loose and go home....The computers are very happy now, and our food keeps very well without any refrigeration, but I have to say it's a little hard sometimes to eat because I just don't have the tools to break through the crust on top of my soup.

Now, you know that I've been a supporter of just about every initiative that John V has come up with since he's been in charge, and we are extremely pleased with the huge improvements he's helped bring about. I was with him on the issue of surgically implanting wireless network interface cards in all employees, 'cause you know, every once in a while you just get the urge to ping someone... And I believe that the periodic tagging, weighing, and outfitting of customers with radio collars has on the whole been beneficial to our bottom line.

But I've had to draw the line at this latest revenue enhancement idea he's been pushing, even though it looks like it's going to go through.... Yes, I know you've heard rumors but it's worse that you ever dreamed.... It's a reality TV show, and it's going to be filmed right here at Lundy. Contestants, once they are admitted into our secure facility and assembled into teams, will face an increasingly difficult series of challenges... untangling rats nests of cables... fashioning shelters under the floor tiles, trying to find the admins of long-forgotten switches and routers... building servers without specifications... opening help desk tickets... while they subsist on vending machine fare and the slowly bio-degrading contents of the break room refrigerator.... But the worst, the scariest, part of this idea of all will occur. during the concluding moments of each episode. It'll take place in that creepiest of locations, the old SCC, where surrounded by flickering monitors, the contestant who receives the most votes will be compelled to drink a potion from the "sacrificial chalice," which is what the network has decided to call John V's coffee cup, and in so doing will be transported out of the data center and into the Emergency Room. Yes, you guessed it....

This summer, thanks to John V's tireless efforts at identifying additional sources of revenue, CBS will be filming a new season of their immensely successful reality series here at Lundy.... I swear, I am not making this up... and September will mark the airing of the new series, "Survivor: Data Center." Assuming that I make it until then, I'll be watching.

posted by stefan 8:12 AM

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

A Few Questions:
A sign on the corner reads
Free Clean Dirt!

Isn't all dirt dirty-dirt? If you wanted to clean some dirt, would you wash it with water? And wouldn't that make mud? Now, isn't mud dirtier than dirt?

posted by j9 12:06 PM